My story of love and pain is not original.
My daughter lived and died within twelve days. The interlocking ripples created by her life-and-death side-by-side within the storylines of our birth family, our family-of-choice and our multigenerational family; all combined to influence the mapping of what has been, is present, and can become. The role you play is strongly influenced by these, but ultimately you define you. You are more than your family role. You possess a unique position and voice to effectively become who you are intended to be, flowing within the ripples and waves of life.
I share the story of the intimate relationship I had with my second child of five. In 2025, the year of her 34th birthday, I undertook my third major effort to gather, in some cases, rewrite our continuing story of love. I began writing the story over thirty years ago. The original first six chapters were written by me, a practicing marriage and family therapist. The remaining chapters were co-written with my wife, Mary Ellen, a registered nurse specialized in labor and delivery. We collaborated on this project together for the purpose of the column I wrote for our local newspaper, the Agawam Advertiser News, some ten years after we had lived the experience.
The story of love, as I refer to it, was proceeded by nearly 100 columns in the same newspaper. Those interactive columns are companion writings that set the stage for understanding my actions taken within the story of love. My second book, The Scent of Self (working title), will feature these columns. The story of love itself was first published in the “For Your Health“ section of the Agawam Advertiser News on January 18, 2001. The weekly column, which consisted of 500 words, ran for one-and-a-half years under the banner “Let’s Talk About It.“ Later, it changed to “Life Through Stories.“
Mary Ellen, to whom I am no longer married, made invaluable contributions to the original newsprint columns. Our story of love could not be told without the part she played. Twenty-five years later, I invited her to participate in the creation of this book, but she declined. At first, I felt disappointed; then it became liberating as it opened up multiple opportunities. I revisited my original notes, began to rewrite and reformat portions of the original text, making our experience clearer. I was also able to include unwritten sentiments that I have felt since the works were published. Mary Ellen and I often agreed that our daughter provided many gifts to us. As we have moved forward, I believe our daughter remains present in her mother‘s decision to not participate in the creation of this book.
How you hold grief and loss significantly impacts who you are and how you influence others. Ours is not a solitary journey. If we become open to the ripples of life-and-death surrounding us, we can emerge the better for it. We cannot effectively wish for what was. That now is our past. Present living faces that past, forging a new path into the future. We need to hold our grief, supported and nurtured to become something – perhaps someone – new.
My journey within the pages of Holding Grief: A Dad’s Memoir, describes the role of how my family system needed me to be when facing the most difficult circumstance of loss as I was catapulted into this twisted new reality. What another person needs me to be often works to sustain their way-of-life. They do not have the last word when it comes to improving my best self. I shaped my story, which did not happen alone. The intimate relationship I have with myself and others helped whether the storm, its aftermath, and the rebuilding of life itself.
My story had many twists and turns that challenged me to name what happened; to see the truth in action and respond. Of course, my first instincts were to react, in many ways, reinforcing my system identity (that which others want and need me to be for their existence). Fortunately, I had relationships that helped me discover my narrative of who I am or, as I like to say, who I am intended to be.
After all, how we play the hands we are dealt is what really matters.